"but you don't really care for music,do ya?"

the wizard of OZ is the most profound idea that has ever been put into a movie. the whole tag line is that "there is no place like home", but home is this dull place that Dorthy doesn't even like. Then she gets into oz and its Technicolor and she meets new people and has the adventure of her life. So with this crackpot obvious idea I've decided that I'm ok with life on the yellow brick road.

dream a little dream.

Make your choice, adventurous Stranger;
Strike the bell and bide the danger,
Or wonder, till it drives you mad,
What would have followed if you had.
-c.s. Lewis

I don't care what hidden messages are behind what C.S. Lewis writes. All I know it since I read the lion,the witch and the wardrobe in the third grade his words have always made me dream.


-meagan

It's not turning a new leaf, it like a leap of faith.

I keep odd hours. People underestimate me, sometimes they should. I talk loud, I laugh louder. I stutter and mumble thorough conversations that make me uncomfortable. I make a mean grilled cheese. Lately I've been trying to have more positive days. In case I fail I want someone there to be my witness to the fact that at least I tried. I hate when people cry around me, I can't deal with my own emotions much less anyone else's, it may sound strange but I feel so much its hard to feel anything. I like to read the newspaper the smell is pure nostalgia. Someday's I want to run away and someday's I want you to ask me to stay. Today my friend said that I need to work hard on being OK with being alone,I agree its one of my new goals. I smile during my favorite songs. I want people to meet me and think that I am insane in the non-asylum way. I want to shake things up and stay the same. On the inside of my head there is a rainbow that I can get use to. I don't want to start from scratch.

Heres a list of my new goals.

1.)drive.
2.)paint more.
3.)Lie less.
4.)think positively.
5.)find what I love most in life.
6.)be ok with being alone.
7.) stop keeping it all in.
8.) smile, cry, punch walls...feel.
9.) leave your comfort zone.
9.) become responsible for another living thing.
10.) grow up.

"a part of me want to take it back to the glory days when we could drown all our problems in sock hops and peach schnapps." - me



-megs

midnight blues and sober four a.m.

I ask him if his head is in a fog, he shakes his head no and says he is thinking more clearly than he was a while ago. The light is so bright in here that I have to squint my eyes; the clock on the hospital wall says its 4a.m. The doctor says that they are going to keep him over night, I wonder if my mom knows I'm gone so in my head I start to mentally prepare for that fight. He interrupts my thoughts and says that he can read me like a book and not to worry he is going to be all right, good he has mistaken my look for concern, but why should I be I know that he will never learn. The smell is making me sick, he tells his sister to take me home, what a relief I have to remember to thank her later. Before I tell him goodbye I ask him why he just smiles and says that he has a case of the midnight blues I smile back and say goodbye only this time it’s different because I know that I meant it. He’s a mudslide taking everyone down. In the car all his sister talks about is what a close call it was, I just nod my head and catch myself thinking about how easy life would be if things would have went the other way, what a harsh thought ,but I don't feel too bad because I know that he never had the intention it was just a call for attention. I wish that I could make them all see that it was not a last resort or a cry for help it was just a memo letting the world know that he is still fucked up. I climb threw my window find salvage in a shower, plaster on a smile and wait for the day to recycle. -Meagan

Its all about what you make them think.

fell asleep in the mirror the other day,
sick to death of comparing myself.
every word has already been written.
every government has been done.
every hairstyle has been tried.
but please don't give up on me.
I can't promise anything special or
put up anything as collateral except
that in the pit of my stomach I feel like there
is something worth the waiting and fruitless searches.
Truthfully, I'm more nervous about the hits then the misses
I want to break the mold, but I'm afraid to face what that means.
The world I live in both in my head and physically are very delicate.
The slightest crack can crumble it all I can't decide if that's a good thing.
I know what I don't want out of life, its the what I do want that's iffy. More
importantly, I just want to know that someone sees it, they look at me and see
what I think might be there. I want someone to believe in me,because no one ever really has.


meagan.