18 got old to fast

For once, I am not over thinking things any day now I am expecting a phone call from the world telling me that I am not even close to paying my dues. I am never going to crawl out of the hole I have dug for myself with half lies and half tries. When I smile, it is genuine, but underneath my cracked lips and crooked teeth are my well over analyzed flaws, no one can point them out like I can. See the problem is I do not have tough skin and every hit hurts just as bad as the next. I hate the fact that I have to punch a wall to feel as badly as the rest of you. I'm always on the outside or at least I feel like I am, and the complex thing about it is that I know I put myself there….. social anxieties...... I am a loner not by choice, but kind of by choice, I do awkward to well not to be one. Make me one of them , I'll hate it but the truth is I'd kill to get in. I am the original unoriginal (I stole that line). Deep as a mud puddle a fake nothing more a mere image of conformity and I hate it. You can see it in my eyes they are as dead as night I do not know what is in there just that I never have. I need therapy, but it's not for me I'd rather self medicate , because letting someone one into my head scares me more then waking up telling myself it be ok if I die. I should have never picked up the pen it always lets to much of me out.