18 got old to fast

For once, I am not over thinking things any day now I am expecting a phone call from the world telling me that I am not even close to paying my dues. I am never going to crawl out of the hole I have dug for myself with half lies and half tries. When I smile, it is genuine, but underneath my cracked lips and crooked teeth are my well over analyzed flaws, no one can point them out like I can. See the problem is I do not have tough skin and every hit hurts just as bad as the next. I hate the fact that I have to punch a wall to feel as badly as the rest of you. I'm always on the outside or at least I feel like I am, and the complex thing about it is that I know I put myself there….. social anxieties...... I am a loner not by choice, but kind of by choice, I do awkward to well not to be one. Make me one of them , I'll hate it but the truth is I'd kill to get in. I am the original unoriginal (I stole that line). Deep as a mud puddle a fake nothing more a mere image of conformity and I hate it. You can see it in my eyes they are as dead as night I do not know what is in there just that I never have. I need therapy, but it's not for me I'd rather self medicate , because letting someone one into my head scares me more then waking up telling myself it be ok if I die. I should have never picked up the pen it always lets to much of me out.

the cream of the crop

Dear World,

Thank you for kicking me while I was down. I went to you and asked for a chance, I asked you for forgiveness and at my weakest I asked you to help me. I thought that was all it took, a willing vessel, but you proved me wrong with an early phone call. I suppose that life could get worse, but I am also sure that I can only take so much more. Dear world, you have yet to break me just managed to piss me off, dear world you fucked up.

Tomorrow never knows

This world I built for myself is beginning to suffocate me. I never realized until today that all I want is to make a connection with something greater then who I am. A generation of posers and I feel like the only fake.

crickets

I glued my eye balls to my eye lids, but my brain won't shut off.

sun splinters in my eyes

The way that life is moving forward is making me sick to my stomach. I am playing out scenarios in my head of all the ways I can fuck this up...I am not ready to move forward, not willing to stay here and the idea of falling behind keeps me up at night. The sum of fears is that I know in my head that I am not the same person I am in my heart. I am far to bad a liar to convince you that this is what I wanted. I talk shit to hear my own voice don't believe a word I say, not even if I'm looking you in the face. As for future plans I'll make them knowing that at ever turn I'll break them along with the promises I make just to save face until I wind up in the middle of this maze ,in the corners of my mind there are clear thoughts but I can't reach them ...always hitting a wall. I am a hypocrite in the worst fashion and I am scared to death that they will find out.

my window breaks both ways

If I counted the number of times that, I repeat, "brace yourself" in my head it be in the millions. Whenever my eyes grow heavy I can never sleep instead I lay in bed and think of all the ways this ship can sink. I feel that If I lie one more time, I am going to break the bank so I play on repeat "brace yourself." If I knew how to be completely honest I still wouldn't be I don't lie to protect me I lie to protect you from me. When I do finally sleep the last words, I think are "for the girl who never sleeps, here’s proof that everyone dreams." In every situation, I say the wrong thing. I want a one-way street out of my brain. This loner that I have become is not who I am in my head and I don't know what that means. They pick my words and action apart and I smile, a part of me knows I do things for laughs it's become this masochistic cycle. No one out there could have a lower opinion of me then I have of myself. the moment I meet you I know you hate me and I build a wall between me and the world. The world is rushing around me and I am stuck in this prison of mistakes and should haves. I stopped wincing when I lie along time ago and I know when to flash you a smile. The only talents I have are for dreaming ...what’s a dream without talent and what’s talent if you don't dream? Nothing terrifies me more than knowing that I am going to wind up like one of them a robot without a cause working to live on the bare minimum dreaming of the things that I don't have the guts to fight for. I wish my eyes were dead. These thoughts are trapping me in my head tight. Clawing my way into situations that I can't get a feel for. The last time I cried was when I realized that the very thing I fight for is the reason I can’t sleep. If my heart was any heavier, I could shit it out. hips and lips lie better then I ever could .........as deep as a sink.

"I have never felt more at home then I do when I am under my sunglasses and hoodie. "

megsbgood