keep it numb

I can't express to you the things I would do to avoid sleeping in my own bed ...it reminds me to much of who I still am.

ROBOT.

I wish that I could sort out my thoughts. My head and heart are working together in chaos against me. I want to walk away, leave this all behind, and not need these people. I want to curl up in a ball and hide from the world that I am never going to fit into. I am tired of fighting the good fight but I know that if I give up if I give in I become one of them I'll hate it and they'll win. So sick of copying and pasting my thoughts I need a new idea, new direction. Let’s run away.

18 got old to fast

For once, I am not over thinking things any day now I am expecting a phone call from the world telling me that I am not even close to paying my dues. I am never going to crawl out of the hole I have dug for myself with half lies and half tries. When I smile, it is genuine, but underneath my cracked lips and crooked teeth are my well over analyzed flaws, no one can point them out like I can. See the problem is I do not have tough skin and every hit hurts just as bad as the next. I hate the fact that I have to punch a wall to feel as badly as the rest of you. I'm always on the outside or at least I feel like I am, and the complex thing about it is that I know I put myself there….. social anxieties...... I am a loner not by choice, but kind of by choice, I do awkward to well not to be one. Make me one of them , I'll hate it but the truth is I'd kill to get in. I am the original unoriginal (I stole that line). Deep as a mud puddle a fake nothing more a mere image of conformity and I hate it. You can see it in my eyes they are as dead as night I do not know what is in there just that I never have. I need therapy, but it's not for me I'd rather self medicate , because letting someone one into my head scares me more then waking up telling myself it be ok if I die. I should have never picked up the pen it always lets to much of me out.

the cream of the crop

Dear World,

Thank you for kicking me while I was down. I went to you and asked for a chance, I asked you for forgiveness and at my weakest I asked you to help me. I thought that was all it took, a willing vessel, but you proved me wrong with an early phone call. I suppose that life could get worse, but I am also sure that I can only take so much more. Dear world, you have yet to break me just managed to piss me off, dear world you fucked up.

Tomorrow never knows

This world I built for myself is beginning to suffocate me. I never realized until today that all I want is to make a connection with something greater then who I am. A generation of posers and I feel like the only fake.

crickets

I glued my eye balls to my eye lids, but my brain won't shut off.

sun splinters in my eyes

The way that life is moving forward is making me sick to my stomach. I am playing out scenarios in my head of all the ways I can fuck this up...I am not ready to move forward, not willing to stay here and the idea of falling behind keeps me up at night. The sum of fears is that I know in my head that I am not the same person I am in my heart. I am far to bad a liar to convince you that this is what I wanted. I talk shit to hear my own voice don't believe a word I say, not even if I'm looking you in the face. As for future plans I'll make them knowing that at ever turn I'll break them along with the promises I make just to save face until I wind up in the middle of this maze ,in the corners of my mind there are clear thoughts but I can't reach them ...always hitting a wall. I am a hypocrite in the worst fashion and I am scared to death that they will find out.

my window breaks both ways

If I counted the number of times that, I repeat, "brace yourself" in my head it be in the millions. Whenever my eyes grow heavy I can never sleep instead I lay in bed and think of all the ways this ship can sink. I feel that If I lie one more time, I am going to break the bank so I play on repeat "brace yourself." If I knew how to be completely honest I still wouldn't be I don't lie to protect me I lie to protect you from me. When I do finally sleep the last words, I think are "for the girl who never sleeps, here’s proof that everyone dreams." In every situation, I say the wrong thing. I want a one-way street out of my brain. This loner that I have become is not who I am in my head and I don't know what that means. They pick my words and action apart and I smile, a part of me knows I do things for laughs it's become this masochistic cycle. No one out there could have a lower opinion of me then I have of myself. the moment I meet you I know you hate me and I build a wall between me and the world. The world is rushing around me and I am stuck in this prison of mistakes and should haves. I stopped wincing when I lie along time ago and I know when to flash you a smile. The only talents I have are for dreaming ...what’s a dream without talent and what’s talent if you don't dream? Nothing terrifies me more than knowing that I am going to wind up like one of them a robot without a cause working to live on the bare minimum dreaming of the things that I don't have the guts to fight for. I wish my eyes were dead. These thoughts are trapping me in my head tight. Clawing my way into situations that I can't get a feel for. The last time I cried was when I realized that the very thing I fight for is the reason I can’t sleep. If my heart was any heavier, I could shit it out. hips and lips lie better then I ever could .........as deep as a sink.

"I have never felt more at home then I do when I am under my sunglasses and hoodie. "

megsbgood

working class zero

I lost my self in intentions leading me foot before heel into hell. I am my worst impersonator I pretend to be what I think that you want me to be when you’re pretending to be what I want you to be while I am pretending. I got a pocket full of fool’s gold thinking that this will never have to end. When do epiphanies hit us? When do we have that moment when everything clicks these thoughts are making my head sick and I can’t focus on the now I put in the minimum amount of me in every situation and I expect the maximum amount. I can’t let anyone in because I can’t let myself out a stranger with strange ways who’s a stranger to themselves. I smile only because it breaks you. I want to trip those kids who live off anything but cynicism. More than anything I want to be the girl who picks four leaf clovers by the barrel


megs

Shame if for those who have pride

Today I thought about calling you…I slept beside the phone hoping in a brief second of bravery I would throw caution to the wind and give in to this addiction that I have to hearing your voice and then hanging up,except I never sleep. I continue to live in this world that I have created for myself fading in and out of static thoughts and memories of cracked up hearts. The only loyalties I have left are to the lies I tell myself so I can get out of bed.

"OH NO ! it's the cops"

-m.e.g.s

Being alone is for cool kids

Blank page and blank heart, the things that I wonder about are to substantial for you to worry about and to simplistic for you to wonder about. I want to sail to the end of the world. I want to get inside your head and hear the static I cause when I speak, I want to get under your skin and see how you work, and I want to kiss your lips and it taste of past mistakes. However, most of all I want nothing more than who YOU are. I watched you through a window sitting at the bar as you sipped your drink. A million miles away and the thought of watching you fall from your ivory tower makes me smile in the saddest way. This however could mean one or two things you are only human or I'm the worst thing to think about while you’re talking over drinks. Jealousy sets in cause when you slip up its called being on the mend. I envy what you are to them, I resent what you try to be to me and I love who you use to be. This is the scoop of the century and you stole its thunder. Sell me a ticket and buy me some jujubes I want a front row seat to this show watching you fall from grace and been a saving one for me. I feel smashed and hidden in the spaces of time that I seem to never mention while your around I opened the door this morning and the past was starring me straight In the face daring me to pretend again like all those things had never happened. I now know why I cannot longer define what we are, because we tiptoe around what we use to be. Kid, I want to take the bad in you and combine it with the bad in me and keep in the pits of out stomachs remind us of the fact we are what we pretend to be in out darkest hour.

“believing the havoc we reek”

-megsssss

friends don't let friends drunk blog

I have kinda been in my own head I got lost but I found the light at the end of the tunnel: reality. Life always seems more precious when there is a tragedy little things don't matter and you just want to reach life and touch it, but that all goes away in a few months and we fall back into the dregs of our lives... I am guilty of it too. I don't want to slip through the cracks and I feel like I have something to prove, and I constantly feel like they picked the wrong person....I need something to believe in ...I need a goal ..life gets hard and I feel like I owe some people to live mine to the fullest......am I the wrong person for this "job"?.......my bad genes are a blessing they show me what mistakes not to make ....I'm lucky for that......I want the people around me to find what they want most in the world ...love, money, family, success ....I need them to be there, they make my soul feel right.I want someone who gets me ...really gets me ....so they can tell me how I am because really I don't get me ...I feel fake ...even now ..I want someone to give me the answers...but then forget and give me the credit ........I need sleep...another drink.... goddamn conformist......

I get people off. I look for the guy who isn't getting off, and I make him get off.

Welcome the Lights

I want to crash on your couch and wake up in yesterday’s clothes. I love to sleep with you in this glass house. I'm you strychnine that you take from time to time and every time I close my eyes I think of all the ways I can ruin this.

"I smile, because my whole life my ambition outweighed my talent."


-megs

Get your game on kid

Life has this funny way of scaring you into realizing reality and if you choose to ignore it, life has a funny way of screwing you over. My whole life I felt I have always take the left turns so how did everything turn out right? I can't stand the sound of that little voice in my head, so sometimes I like to think that it’s on vacation and ignore it until it’s screaming. I don't give up easily, but I think that I sorta just lucked into this fight.

"I think that when the end comes I want to be talking on my Iphone."

-megs

Shock and awe will fool them all

Swimming around in my head...doing lap after lap on the shallow end. There are a million things that I want to say, a million thing that I want to feel. Feelings are what I save for starry nights so don't think that I am just putting on a game face, I don't have one of those. My conscience is going to take an extended vacation, my tear ducts are closed and my moral compass broke. I am a victim of double standards that I set for my self. I am pretending that I don't feel like every emotion I have is not some well thought out plan... I am a raw nerve and I wish I was a stone wall. I am so fake in the sense that I would love nothing more for you to fall for my line of bullshit, while I sit under the stairs and cry. The grass is greener on the other side and I am tired of living in the glass box with a lock. My life is a dream, the people around me are amazing, so here’s to hoping that ignorance is bliss and that my smile doesn’t melt off ...yes this is me being happy

I love the way you hate the way I hate sleeping alone......

"Oh look there’s a porter potty."
"no its not."
"well, I'll pee on it anyways."

dress me in pearls I want to be a lady

Lately I've been feeling like the dream is living me....feeling worn out ....thinking I don't have enough emotions ...or maybe the kind that you have to ignore.....am I cold or fearful ...I don't know ...I've learned to be both…….. Wake up thinking what role should I play today ..."got some more tattoos to cover up this skin that I have never felt comfortable in". Your heart is so cold, but baby boy I have no soul...followed my nap with some vodka I hear its the way to cure remembering how heartless we've become...never been the one to follow the pack, but the one who falls of track.


-megsy

Girls don't get horny

I like it better without the rose-colored glasses…I'm a liar on the mend….I used you as a book mark to keep that place in my life that I willingly left behind….we changed…and then we changed again….you for the better and me ...well that is still up in the air. The normalcy of what we are and have always been is why I love you in that spending all Sunday in bed just hanging out sort of way….no hang over’s …no hang ups.

The otherside has brought about the other side of who I am …I file your complaints in the box at the back of my head that is spilling over with reasons why I should second guess myself ….In all honesty I am in awe of how much I care about what you think.


I’ve written volumes and edited them down to novels, my fingers are numb and so is my heart …I want to lock them in safe and sink them to the bottom of the ocean …letting someone in my head is the scariest thing that I can ever do for me and you…..I feel like a sellout in the way that I want to write a something in my blood and it turn into gold.

“how do we lose who we use to be.”
“fuck that, how do we find who we use to be.”

Play it sam

I spend hours looking for a four-leaf clover, just to pull the fourth leaf off.
What does that say about me? Maybe I have been running from luck for so long that I never realized that It had caught up to me.

He said, “You’re crazy”
I reply, “I wished”

This roller coaster of the past showed up like a breath of fresh air…shined some light into this world I have dreamed about…..you know you get off on me crying on your shoulder…….….I forgot that just being your friend use to get me out of bed in the morning ….


“It still kind of hurts, having you around.”
“Well rub some Bengay on it kid, and act like a rock star.”


To be honest I lie so much that I do not remember the truth, but I am sure that it is not half as good as the lie that I told instead. Please do not try to break me, Accept me for what I am. Lately my mind has been turned inside out trying to figure me out. I don’t know anything, but I know to much ….and all I truly know is that I wanted someone to figure me out and I thought that person could be you….you probably still are that person …it’s just your so caught up in losing yourself…..going back to old habits ….is refreshing…....if I can't figure out who I am now...then at least....I know who I use to be....East side love is living on the west end

-megs