crickets

I glued my eye balls to my eye lids, but my brain won't shut off.

sun splinters in my eyes

The way that life is moving forward is making me sick to my stomach. I am playing out scenarios in my head of all the ways I can fuck this up...I am not ready to move forward, not willing to stay here and the idea of falling behind keeps me up at night. The sum of fears is that I know in my head that I am not the same person I am in my heart. I am far to bad a liar to convince you that this is what I wanted. I talk shit to hear my own voice don't believe a word I say, not even if I'm looking you in the face. As for future plans I'll make them knowing that at ever turn I'll break them along with the promises I make just to save face until I wind up in the middle of this maze ,in the corners of my mind there are clear thoughts but I can't reach them ...always hitting a wall. I am a hypocrite in the worst fashion and I am scared to death that they will find out.

my window breaks both ways

If I counted the number of times that, I repeat, "brace yourself" in my head it be in the millions. Whenever my eyes grow heavy I can never sleep instead I lay in bed and think of all the ways this ship can sink. I feel that If I lie one more time, I am going to break the bank so I play on repeat "brace yourself." If I knew how to be completely honest I still wouldn't be I don't lie to protect me I lie to protect you from me. When I do finally sleep the last words, I think are "for the girl who never sleeps, here’s proof that everyone dreams." In every situation, I say the wrong thing. I want a one-way street out of my brain. This loner that I have become is not who I am in my head and I don't know what that means. They pick my words and action apart and I smile, a part of me knows I do things for laughs it's become this masochistic cycle. No one out there could have a lower opinion of me then I have of myself. the moment I meet you I know you hate me and I build a wall between me and the world. The world is rushing around me and I am stuck in this prison of mistakes and should haves. I stopped wincing when I lie along time ago and I know when to flash you a smile. The only talents I have are for dreaming ...what’s a dream without talent and what’s talent if you don't dream? Nothing terrifies me more than knowing that I am going to wind up like one of them a robot without a cause working to live on the bare minimum dreaming of the things that I don't have the guts to fight for. I wish my eyes were dead. These thoughts are trapping me in my head tight. Clawing my way into situations that I can't get a feel for. The last time I cried was when I realized that the very thing I fight for is the reason I can’t sleep. If my heart was any heavier, I could shit it out. hips and lips lie better then I ever could .........as deep as a sink.

"I have never felt more at home then I do when I am under my sunglasses and hoodie. "

megsbgood

working class zero

I lost my self in intentions leading me foot before heel into hell. I am my worst impersonator I pretend to be what I think that you want me to be when you’re pretending to be what I want you to be while I am pretending. I got a pocket full of fool’s gold thinking that this will never have to end. When do epiphanies hit us? When do we have that moment when everything clicks these thoughts are making my head sick and I can’t focus on the now I put in the minimum amount of me in every situation and I expect the maximum amount. I can’t let anyone in because I can’t let myself out a stranger with strange ways who’s a stranger to themselves. I smile only because it breaks you. I want to trip those kids who live off anything but cynicism. More than anything I want to be the girl who picks four leaf clovers by the barrel


megs

Shame if for those who have pride

Today I thought about calling you…I slept beside the phone hoping in a brief second of bravery I would throw caution to the wind and give in to this addiction that I have to hearing your voice and then hanging up,except I never sleep. I continue to live in this world that I have created for myself fading in and out of static thoughts and memories of cracked up hearts. The only loyalties I have left are to the lies I tell myself so I can get out of bed.

"OH NO ! it's the cops"

-m.e.g.s

Being alone is for cool kids

Blank page and blank heart, the things that I wonder about are to substantial for you to worry about and to simplistic for you to wonder about. I want to sail to the end of the world. I want to get inside your head and hear the static I cause when I speak, I want to get under your skin and see how you work, and I want to kiss your lips and it taste of past mistakes. However, most of all I want nothing more than who YOU are. I watched you through a window sitting at the bar as you sipped your drink. A million miles away and the thought of watching you fall from your ivory tower makes me smile in the saddest way. This however could mean one or two things you are only human or I'm the worst thing to think about while you’re talking over drinks. Jealousy sets in cause when you slip up its called being on the mend. I envy what you are to them, I resent what you try to be to me and I love who you use to be. This is the scoop of the century and you stole its thunder. Sell me a ticket and buy me some jujubes I want a front row seat to this show watching you fall from grace and been a saving one for me. I feel smashed and hidden in the spaces of time that I seem to never mention while your around I opened the door this morning and the past was starring me straight In the face daring me to pretend again like all those things had never happened. I now know why I cannot longer define what we are, because we tiptoe around what we use to be. Kid, I want to take the bad in you and combine it with the bad in me and keep in the pits of out stomachs remind us of the fact we are what we pretend to be in out darkest hour.

“believing the havoc we reek”

-megsssss

friends don't let friends drunk blog

I have kinda been in my own head I got lost but I found the light at the end of the tunnel: reality. Life always seems more precious when there is a tragedy little things don't matter and you just want to reach life and touch it, but that all goes away in a few months and we fall back into the dregs of our lives... I am guilty of it too. I don't want to slip through the cracks and I feel like I have something to prove, and I constantly feel like they picked the wrong person....I need something to believe in ...I need a goal ..life gets hard and I feel like I owe some people to live mine to the fullest......am I the wrong person for this "job"?.......my bad genes are a blessing they show me what mistakes not to make ....I'm lucky for that......I want the people around me to find what they want most in the world ...love, money, family, success ....I need them to be there, they make my soul feel right.I want someone who gets me ...really gets me ....so they can tell me how I am because really I don't get me ...I feel fake ...even now ..I want someone to give me the answers...but then forget and give me the credit ........I need sleep...another drink.... goddamn conformist......

I get people off. I look for the guy who isn't getting off, and I make him get off.